My Themes for 2018 : ‘Return Anew’ / ‘Get Help’ / ‘Be Patient for Great Things to Come’ / ‘Honoring my Feelings’

9 Jan

What does this mean?

RETURN

Well, 2018 has great themes for me of returning: to old places, old relationships, old space-time-continuums as a new person – the 2018 me.  Me the Mother, Me the Wife, A commitment to Me the Student of Life.  I also feel a deep return to myself (ahhhh).

GET HELP

Mostly, as I went through massive changes in 4 years (difficult & deeply emotional partner-level job-departure, marriage, 2 children, 9 moves) I previously felt the need to ‘keep it all together’ and ‘know what I was doing’.  Well I don’t have it all together, and in many ways, I have no idea what I am doing.  So, I get to reap the rewards of the great and amazing friendships and relationships I have built.  Thank you Jah/God/Universe for my dear, wise, intelligent, honest and open friends.  This year is about getting help I need : with my internal processes, operating and running my family and a commitment to a daily practice of helping myself.

BE PATIENT

With this year ahead, there is a continuation of last year that I know I do not know a lot of things.  Where I will live, how marriage will look during my husband’s deployment, how to reintegrate with my husband after his deployment, how to guide my children through this time, … mostly I don’t know where I am supposed to live.  And that is okay.  I will wait for clairty.  Follow my inner bliss and trust that eventually we will find a city and community that opens up for us and feels like a great, long-term fit.

HONORING MY FEELINGS

This is kind of a last minute “throw-in” here, but as I was reflecting on what this year is about, it felt incomplete with the above three.  “Something is missing” I thought.

So, here is what I think it is.  I want to honor my feelings by letting people in.  Previously I would never let anyone see me cry (except my husbands or old partners).  I felt that in my deepest darkest moments, I could only share with people once I had processed things passed the emotional stage(s).  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I’d rather people just… know me. For exactly what I am feeling and experiencing.  I am not saying that I am all of a sudden going to have the strength to call someone when I am crying and bawl my eyes out to them.  But I will pick up the phone when I am crying now (as I did with dear friend, Audrey Buchanan on the day after New Years).  And if an interaction with you makes me feel sad/disrespected/hurt/disregarded/insulting/ego-offending-anything I’d like to process it with you.  Share that I had that feeling so you can know me a little more honestly and I can just be real.  Had a great opportunity to practice with Griffin Loop a few days back.  It was … well, a little nerve-racking, I am going to be honest.  But I am experimenting with it and while it is uncomfortable for me, I believe in the long run, my relationships with people will be more honest and everlasting.

Peace,

~ N

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