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“Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.”

24 Jun

Tao Te Ching on Effort/Allowing and Doing Not-Doing.

Week 2 Recap // Aware Reflections

22 Jun

The week was tough.  Here are some of the things I became aware of:

  1. WEEKENDS:Weekends are more difficult for me to gather and input data into My Daily Chart.
  2. SLEEP: I have not been able to sleep well the last three nights.  Like, last night I was up until 7a.  This is either due to the Zpack, taking up coffee again (even the slightest amount), the summer solstice, stress, who knows?
  3. SUPPLEMENTS: I have been taking vitamins and supplements almost daily and am going to start tracking that.  I think it is likely having an impact on me, and I’d like to be trying to understand that impact.
  4. TEMPERATURE:  I honestly have no idea if my thermometer is even detailed enough to be capturing the data I want. :-/  Also, I am not consistent about the time of day when I take my temperature.  I don’t know if it is always supposed to be a certain amount of time after you wake up, or a specific hour during the day.  I guess I should look into that (bolding to remind myself).
  5. HYDRATION: It is hard to keep track of exactly how much water I am drinking, but I am very conscientious of it, and am fairly certain I am hitting my mark.
  6. DREAMING:  I’d like to start tracking my dreams as well.
  7. SOCIAL: This week I have been feeling pretty social.
  8. BODY IMAGE: I feel like my butt is turning into a “mom’s butt”.  So.. I am kicking back into gear with butt and ab excercises.
  9. SKIN: I had some blackheads on my chin.  Seemed like more than usual.  Could it be the increase in animal fats and proteins (my husband makes amazing chicken, and I am never going to be able to give up meat.  It’s usually organic though).
  10. HEALTH:  I am still on the recovery from this terrible system shut down I had. Lots of mucus, pressure, little bot of coughing.  I have a feeling my health would be better if I had a regular supplement routine and did a netti pot once a week.  Can I actually commit to that stuff?
  11. HOUSE: Woa – how do people stay on top of house work.  I am not working full time and I feel like all I do is cook, eat, clean, cook eat, clean and do laundry.  It is started to loose its “domesticated charm”.
  12. CAR: Arg.  I keep wanting to get on top of fixing my car, and it hasn’t happened yet.  In a way, I feel like I am living in the Tao.  Instead of doing anything, I am just present to what I want to do in the moment, and act on that.  Seemingly, it all works out. Maybe next week?
  13. MORE ON THE TAO: Also, on non-doing… I was sidelined all week with this sickness, and come Thursday night (when I could not sleep) and Friday, it is like my body just started taking care of the business that I was wanting to accomplish.  It did… just happen on its own.  Granted, there were a few emails that I would have liked to have responded to quicker and a few things I still have not done, but it was nice to feel my energy shift on its own (without me forcing it).
  14. OTHER: I started watching “My So-called Life” on hulu.  It is AWESOME.  I feel like I missed out on an entire teenage angst phase. :).  Also, I am recovering from an insecure phase.  More like, I am still in it, I am just having a lot of fun in it.  When people ask how I am doing, I say I have never been happier and I am going through a lot of pain with all the transitions in my life. Feels good to say that, and enjoy the experience of my “now.”
  15. PERSONAL:  I am having a hard time writing about some of the personal parts of my life that play into this journey, because I simply do not know what is appropriate.  Still trying to figure that out.

Numerology // Year of 4

22 Jun

Based on a reading from Creative Numerology, I am in a cycle year of 4. You can find your own “year number” on the site as well.   In general, I really resonated with the description of this year.  My deepest correlations, I bolded.

In the context of my research, I found this line pretty unbelievable: “You will be coming to terms with your own identity this year and “who am I?” and “what is my purpose” may be two of your most frequent questions.”

A few tasks it pointed out, and questions it begged.  I’d like to spend time thinking about these.

  1. You need a specific and meaningful goal to focus on and be responsible for. Seriously consider every aspect of your life and confront yourself with the vision of where each aspect is leading.
  2. This year, you must organize your life according to what is important to you. (What is important to me)?
  3. Things you believed were important may be the very same things that are now restricting you. (what are those things)?
  4. True purpose is to point out where you are stuck on the road of life. (where am I stuck)?
  5. Especially when you find yourself more afraid of change than you thought you’d be. (is that true)?
  6. Focus on what really matters to you and, even then, face the possibility that half of those things don’t matter either. (what really matters to me right now)?
  7. Take an honest look at those aspects which you believe are holding you back. Many of them are of your own making (what are those aspects, and did I make them)?
  8. Visualizing what you want, in great detail – using ALL your senses – is the key to bringing it all together.
  9. Review and organize your finances and material assets.
  10. The more freedom you give your imagination, the more likely you are to find a way forward that is just right for you. (am I giving my imagination enough freedom)?

The 4 Year Cycle
The 4 year cycle
A journey of breakthrough
– on a sea of obstacles

Now is not the time to cling to
what was, but to amend what is.

Helen Hayes

The 4 year cycle is one of vision, management, priority, effort, limitation, restriction, determination and breakthrough. Your sense of identity – who you are and what you believe – is the principle theme. The events of this very practical year will leave you in no doubt that the time has come to set new priorities and strive toward a specific long-term goal. 4 is the number of organization and work; how things work, making things work, and working towards something that means a lot to you.

As the year unfolds, you will need to develop a clear vision of what you want and make a firm commitment to attaining it. Keep in mind that the reason the 4 year often feels confusing and ‘difficult‘ is because its nature seems to place obstacles in your path any time your attention is diverted from reality. Setting realistic goals not only helps you to stay focused, but often results in a very satisfying achievement. Whatever it is you hope to accomplish, (and your priorities may change several times this year), you can be assured that it involves mental, emotional and/or physical hard work.

The 4 energy reacts to the strength of your Will, which is comprised of all your feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. Denial of your feelings weakens and imprisons your Will which, by its very nature, needs to be free. The natural response of the human Will is that of complete acceptance of reality, along with whatever feelings reality triggers. The Will thrives on truth, even if the truth hurts. Those very sensations – the whole gamut of emotions – are our natural responses to reality. Of course, you may want to keep your feelings to yourself if circumstances call for a show of steadiness and resolve, but the long-term success that the 4 year offers is going to come through your ability to fully feel your feelings and gain the intelligence they contain.

Whatever you want to happen, you have to make it happen. A strong Will is needed. However, it is in the 4 year that we realize that our Will is not free at all because we have repressed it with a limited vision of our potential. 4 can make you feel restricted and boxed-in by circumstances that really are ‘beyond your control’, and knowing how you feel is the only way to know what to do next. It is from your feelings that creativity is born and, thankfully, your experiences along the down-to-Earth 4 year road will make emotional denial almost impossible.

The part of your Will that is free is now trying to rescue the imprisoned parts of itself. Don’t worry if you do not understand this immediately. As the year unfolds and you face the reality of the world and your own personal life, new understandings, especially about the positive power of your emotions, will come.

The serious and practical 4 energy needs a specific goal to work towards so that it can maintain its profound sense of purpose. It responds best to routine, efficiency, order and organization. There really are limitations on how far you can travel this year. So, when you find yourself dealing with the inevitable frustrations that come with such restriction, remember that the very essence of the human Will is ACCEPTANCE, and think about the parable of the two frogs who fell into a pail of milk. One of them could not accept its sudden new reality and drowned. The other realized (accepted) what had happened and could not accept such a fate. It went into survival mode and thrashed around and did whatever it could to stay afloat. Eventually, all that effort paid off. The thrashing around turned the milk into butter and the frog was able to climb out.

Last year, you learned about the power of optimism. It was pessimism that defeated the first frog and caused it to drown. The 3 year urged you to see beyond your first impressions and face the reality of the situation. The first impression that the first frog had was that nothing could be done to change things, so why even try? 3 is the number of ‘the joy of living’ and it seems that the second frog enjoyed life enough to want to persevere in order to preserve it. His purpose was not only to survive, but also to find a way to enjoy life again.

This year, you will be developing a greater sense of your own purpose and you will be setting a definite course or direction for yourself. You cannot drift aimlessly along and just hope for the best. You need a specific and meaningful goal to focus on and be responsible for.

Seriously consider every aspect of your life and confront yourself with the vision of where each aspect is leading. And, later in the year, when you find yourself churning around in a situation that appears to place you out of your depth, be practical, face the facts, and look for solutions that will change your circumstances, or at least help you get through them.

Yes, 4 is a serious and life-changing year, and as soon as you accept the nature of the 4 year, you will be able to relax into it. From a more accepting frame of mind, you will have a better chance of shaping your reality as you would prefer it, rather than have it shaped for you.

This year, you must organize your life according to what is important to you. Things you believed were important may be the very same things that are now restricting you. Blaming others is just another form of restriction because it implies that you are a victim when, in reality, it is you who is causing your own restrictions by refusing to prioritize. That is what good organization is all about. Being able to deal with various issues in the right way, at the right time, with the right people, in the correct order of importance, and in the direction you want it all to go.

The circumstances of the 4 year can make you feel ‘stuck’ and, yet, their true purpose is to point out where you are stuck on the road of life, and help you to break free from situations and beliefs that are keeping you physically, emotionally, creatively or intellectually restricted. These issues are preventing you from evolving into the person you know you can be. This year, you will be facing the reality of YOU – and it may not always be a pretty sight, especially when you find yourself more afraid of change than you thought you’d be.

It is time to weed out the useless and trivial aspects of your life, especially those beliefs and attitudes that simply don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. These trivialities are distracting you from the larger picture. Focus on what really matters to you and, even then, face the possibility that half of those things don’t matter either. What does matter is your freedom to exist as you want to exist, and the level of loving intent in your heart.

Take an honest look at those aspects which you believe are holding you back. Many of them are of your own making. Are you too set in your ways or too frivolous and uncaring? Are you too stubborn to learn from your past and present mistakes? Are you unrealistic about your talents and potential? Are you unhealthy due to poor diet, substance abuse, or lack of exercise or sleep? Are you unrealistic about finance and materiality? Do you distract yourself from reality? Do you base your actions on your own feelings and beliefs, or those of other people? Are you freeing your Will, or giving it away?

Be honest with yourself. Identify what is not working and, through the process of elimination, you will soon see the direction you must take if you are to build the identity and new circumstances you desire. 4 is the number of the builder, and it is time to construct what you want. Hard work is inevitable and careful planning is essential. Visualizing what you want, in great detail – using ALL your senses – is the key to bringing it all together. A certain dream or goal may have emerged last year but, this year, you are dealing with the hard work that comes with reaching and then sustaining a goal.

Review and organize your finances and material assets. The events of April and May will bring these matters to your attention. Conserve all your resources, and be aware of what your resources actually are. Skills, abilities, knowledge, contacts, family, friends, are all potential resources. Use them only as needed, and take nothing and no one for granted. Next year’s 5 cycle will provide the atmosphere and opportunity for you to invest in yourself or in something else that excites you. Be practical and efficient with this year’s limited reserves. Understand how money works and be aware of what is happening in the deceptive world of politics and economics. Any time you feel yourself struggling this year, stop what you are doing and face the facts, just as they are.

The 4 year is a road of limitations and roadblocks – life’s very own obstacle course. It brings you to what you believe are your personal limits. In turn, you will learn to expand your Will to such an extent that the increase of energy you’re emitting will push your limits further away from you. Then, although you will still have limits – we all do – they will not be boxing you in or otherwise pressuring you.

At some point this year you could find yourself a lot less trapped or restricted than you thought you were and, perhaps, even sitting on a cushion that seemed to appear from nowhere but which actually manifested from the power of your determination not to give up. There is often a magical effect when one’s determination is generated towards reality, and not just wishful thinking.

You will be coming to terms with your own identity this year and “who am I?” and “what is my purpose” may be two of your most frequent questions. Your sense of identity does not come from what you do in life but from the way you feel about life and your place in it. Your professional life, or just making ends meet, may predominate, but there is more to you than what you do for a living. The question is, what do you do for a life? In these unpredictable evolutionary times, nothing is out of the question. Keep your imagination OPEN, no matter how practical you feel you have to be. Most people on Earth cannot yet imagine alternatives and possibilities, but there is no going back to way life was. The more freedom you give your imagination, the more likely you are to find a way forward that is just right for you.

Although there may be a spurt of highly accelerated action this year, progress is usually not rapid in the 4 energy. You may often encounter delays and hurdles, and bouts of loneliness, pessimism and frustration, only to regain your acceptance of reality, and with it, your balance, vision, belief in yourself, and determination.

Why must the 4 year be so frustrating? To show you that many of your restrictions are unnecessary and that no matter what situations arise, you can deal with them in the best possible way and perhaps even use them to your advantage. If you are able to adjust to new realities as you go, you will be able to break through limiting circumstances that you or others have built. This may not be the easiest of years but, with the combined strength of your feminine will and masculine intellect, it can be one of the most fulfilling cycles you will ever experience.

Numerology // Destiny Number // 8

19 Jun

From the site, Creative Numerology, I calculated my destiny number, an 8.

It’s long!  I stuck through that which I did not think spoke to me and bolded that which I think was spot on or spoke to me.  Mostly, I think it is pretty accurate.

Numerology 8


…the life-long path of EMPOWERMENT

“Things do not happen.
Things are made to happen”

John F. Kennedy

The 8 destiny means that you will spend this lifetime learning to empower yourself by overcoming the judgments which stand between you and your strong ambitions.  You will constantly be expanding your belief in yourself.  You will learn that others can only dominate you if you allow them to, and that all circumstances can be positively changed by taking the necessary action to change them.

You will want to appear fearless.  In your effort to do so, however, you may deny that your fear exists, even when it is obvious.  As time passes and experience is gained, a certain fearlessness does, indeed, develop as you learn to be authoritative instead of dominating.  Because being liked is important to you, you will also learn that the only thing you are meant to dominate is your own time and space.  And, yet, there will be times when you feel that the whole world is, or could be, your dominion.

Eventually you will realize that fear is a natural emotion; the effect of something which requires caution on your part.  It is impossible to dispense with fear completely.  This would deprive you of the very information you need in order to keep yourself safe.  Instead of denying fear, or constantly dwelling in it, you will learn to welcome fear as the radar device it is supposed to be.  You will learn not to be afraid to be afraid. Matters of the heart, however, may take fear, or denial of fear, to different and more difficult levels.   8s can spend an entire lifetime afraid of being hurt by the thing they desire most of all – love.   You see, it is your fear of emotional pain which makes you so extremely sensitive and vulnerable inwardly, no matter how you exude confidence and nonchalance outwardly.

Your childhood environment may have had some oppressive elements such as financial or intellectual poverty.  Perhaps your parents or other adult figures could not appreciate your enormous potential for success when your interests did not fit in with their expectations for you or with the reality of the world as it was then.  There was either a strong emphasis on “making something of yourself”, or it was assumed that you would amount to nothing. Your determination to be “somebody” and your dread of being “nobody”, is actually a gift from life which now propels you to seek your own route to success.

At some point, you will decide that your “background” is not going to stand in your way any longer.  8 children often experience problems with matters of entitlement.  You are entitled to this; you are not entitled to that. Sometimes your very title – your name – is a problem in itself.  Childhood memories are very vivid to an 8 and they motivate all of your accomplishments and goals of today.  And because you want to get it “right”, you probably lean toward conservative methods and beliefs.

Be careful not to misinterpret the meaning of the word conservative.  You are a very conservative person.  That is, you are reserved, dignified, economical, gracious, efficient, and well-mannered, though you may not always have been this way.  You know that your behavior and presentation has a direct bearing on the way you are received and perceived by others.  Certain behaviors either get you what you want, or they deprive you of what you want.  You know how to behave. You know where your loyalties lie.  And you know how to be discreet.

And what a diverse collection of friends, associates, and acquaintances you have amassed.  You could not possibly adapt to all of them.   Therefore, you must present yourself in a way that not only offends no one, but also draws the admiration of all concerned because your personality appears so steady and reliable.  People know who you are and what you represent. They respect and enjoy your presence.  And you do have a strong and seductive presence.  The 8 charm and charisma is another of life’s very special gifts to you.

8 is the energy of personal satisfaction.  This is what you have come to Earth to discover.  It is a feeling so wonderful, so pleasant, so impelling, that it is a pity that many 8s never allow themselves to look beyond statistical, material, and financial satisfaction, and reach for the true power that inner gratification brings.  It is not a matter of forcing yourself to be “content” with mediocrity and, thus, pretending you are satisfied with your life. Rather, it is a matter of going out into the world and manifesting what you truly desire on a material level, remembering that desire is another word for love.  And, until you are comfortable with the fact that your very purpose for being here is to learn about, and master, life’s material aspects, material satisfaction may forever elude you.  You do desire abundance.  You want to make a lot of money.

You are ambitious, efficient, and energetic.  You are also an excellent organizer, administrator, persuader, and manager, provided it is you who calls the shots.  You are acutely aware of how others fit in with your own goals and ambitions. You have an impressive ability to take control and direct.  You want the freedom and the status that comes with money, and it is unfair to deny yourself these natural 8 desires.  It is also unfair to deny yourself the education – the learning process – which will enable you to fulfill these needs.  An understanding here helps dispense with the guilt and/or anger which has followed you through from childhood.

Does this mean that money is power?  On the surface, of course money brings power to those who have it, provided that they control the money instead of the money controlling them.  Money alone is not the answer.  It is your ability to manifest what you desire and need, with or without money, that is the true measure of your personal power.  Sometimes there is no amount of money on the face of this Earth that can give you what you desire or need, particularly as you want love more than anything else.  Money is a tool, however, and it is important that you learn how it works: to accumulate it; “play” with it; and use it to get what you want, without allowing guilt to tell you that your focus on money, status, and power is wrong.

You must learn to take only what you want from life; only what you desire8s who hoard and take everything they can get their hands on, regardless of whether they actually desire these things, are operating in 8s negative frenzy of greed.  This can bring no satisfaction whatsoever, even though they will deny they are unsatisfied.   They will also deny that they feel guilt about their obsession with materiality.  When guilt is denied, there is a danger that bullying and manipulation will take the place of the loving satisfaction that the positive 8 energy is all about.

You only have to look back to the 1980s; a time when the entire world was under the influence of the 8 energy, to see how misunderstood 8 was, and how negatively and often evilly it was used.  The abuse of money, status, and power during the 1980s has caused much of today’s chaos on Earth.  An 8 individual can be just as destructive if he or she misunderstands the higher purpose of 8s ability to manifest – to produce – to create.  Negative 8s develop a dangerous obsession with money and power.  They reach their goals, but derive no satisfaction or love from their accomplishments.  The fact that these people are despised by others simply adds fuel to their belief that ruthlessness is what it takes to be successful.

In another negative extreme, there are those 8s who desire achievement and money but are too afraid to take the necessary risks which they believe asserting themselves would require.  These people feel dissatisfied and limited but may deny these feelings completely This can change when they realize that there is nothing wrong with wanting something better from life and that the risks they were so afraid of are actually the echoes of their childhood which tell them they do not have what it takes to succeed.

The word “power” can overexcite or repulse an 8.  Too much emphasis on money can lead to limited thinking, stifled creativity, and missed opportunities. Driving yourself and others too hard, or trying to go it alone without learning the art of delegation are destructive elements of the 8 energy.  You, dear 8, are one of the “magicians” of the material world.  You can make things happen just by focusing on the desired result and doing what must be done to attain it.  Your power to manifest is an instinctive talent – the Midas touch – your own material magnetism which attracts material, financial, or emotional reward to you.

Although 8 is the most material energy there is, it reaches its true potential when its spiritual and emotional aspects are recognized and accepted.  8 is pure power, when it is combined with love.  The point is, 8, you are here to discover personal satisfaction, which can never be attained without loving intent.   It is through the power of intent that you are able to manifest anything at all.   Intent is desire – desire is love.  And, so, what is it that you desire?  What is it that you love?  What brings a smile to your lips and a glow to your face?  You must always be aware of what you are trying to manifest, and of how you are weaving your magic.  You will get what you ask for.

You cannot control or manipulate the 8 energy in order to make it work for you.  Rather, 8 is an energy that works through you by your acceptance of it. When this is understood, miracles begin to happen.  You may think it is you who networks, organizes, convinces, connects, and ideates – but it is the 8 energy which brings you to the right place at the right time, introduces you to the right people, and sets you up in the right circumstances.  Once you realize this, you will be able to live and succeed by intuition – your emotional awareness – the way you feel about things.  Remember that balance is one of the key ingredients of all magic.  The other is presence.  This means being there; being focused.

Whatever the circumstances of your childhood, they must be accepted as the very factors that started you off on this journey to satisfaction.  Life is not a series of punishments, but a network of consequences.  You are allowed to make mistakes, and you learn very quickly from those mistakes you actually admit to.  You are instinctively aware of the laws of cause and effect.  You learn that if you do something this way, this is the result.  If you do something that way, that will result.   And results are what you constantly seek along the 8 destiny path.  The down-to-Earth way in which you interpret your experiences teaches you a lot about human nature, and how to get the results you want.

Playing it safe is the logical step to take in most circumstances, but issues will also arise which require leaps of faith into the darkness of uncertainty. You must learn to visualize the end result first.  Then determine the steps you will need to take in order to reach your goal.  You must treat each step as a goal in itself.  You may require the cooperation of others to take care of the smaller details, so that you can focus on the big picture.  The resentment or jealousy of others may be felt, but can also be avoided.  You must delegate with authority and fairness.   You must treat others with respect and compassion.  Their input is important.  So are their feelings.

You are a natural boss and organizer with an extraordinary ability to utilize and incorporate the talents of others and manifest something much greater than you or they could ever achieve alone.  The end result is something which bears the trade mark of your creative genius even though others did contribute to it.  You must learn to give credit where it is due.

You want the best of everything and, when it comes to displaying your talent, you know that you must give only the very best that you are capable of.   The deep pride that comes with the 8 destiny can become a positive force which prevents you from rushing headlong into situations you are not ready for, or from assuming that you are more talented than you actually are.  Your desire for status and social acceptance provides a tremendous dignity in you which, in turn, becomes part of the magnetism that makes you so attractive and intriguing.  There may be aspects of your personality that are wild, footloose, and fancy free, but your sense of appropriateness will always bring you back to a more conservative approach.

You need to be in an environment in which contact with already wealthy and powerful people is possible.  These are the people who can help open many doors of opportunity for you.  The chances are, life will provide opportunities for you to meet and interact with such people.  You have so much to learn from them, and they from you.  You are also likely to have your share of friends whose focus is on purely artistic or humanitarian pursuits.  It is you who can open the doors of success for them.  While many 8s travel this path only taking its rewards, others master this path by taking its rewards and sharing them with those who wish to improve life for themselves or others. Because you love success, you can be as excited about someone else’s success as you are about your own.  Well, almost.

By the way, did you know that you sometimes talk in tangents?  Did you know that once you get going verbally, there is little that can stop you expressing everything that is in your head at the time?  There is just so much going on in that dynamic mind of yours that one sentence is often interrupted by a completely unrelated thought, shifting your conversation from one topic to another without even a pause to catch your breath.  At some point, you will ask yourself – “What was I talking about?” and, then, with tremendous grace, find a common link which will bring the conversation back to its original focus.  This is a talent which comes with confidence.

Your early years may have been plagued with dissatisfaction because you knew you could do better.  Dislike for yourself and your circumstances had to be experienced in order to learn that the highest essence of the 8 energy is satisfaction with oneself, which is contentment.

This may be a difficult lesson indeed because you always want more; you always want to do better; and you always want a return on your time and investment. Or, you may subconsciously deny that you are dissatisfied with your life because you are afraid of having to feel the guilt which wanting more often invokes.  Or, you may simply be too proud to admit your dissatisfaction to others or even to yourself.  Eventually, your need to propel yourself forward and upward will force you to face your own reality and you will know that self-denial is not an option for you.

Of course, satisfaction is never a permanent state of being.  Rather, it is an ongoing and random series of stops in your journey in which to experience a sensational feeling of appreciation.  This is a feeling of deep recognition and thankfulness for who you are, the way your life is taking shape, and for everything and everyone who has contributed to it.  These are times in which you have no choice but to stop what you are doing, realize how far you have travelled, how much love you give and receive, and feel the astonishment and joy of genuine satisfaction.  It is an exciting rush of  warm emotion which saturates your mind and body.  This is love of life, dear 8, and you will not want these intensely personal episodes to be intruded upon by minor details such as your business agenda.  This feeling is the reason – the main reward – for everything else you do.

You can make an excellent entrepreneur, but you are likely to be comfortable in a more stable environment in which to manifest your magic.  Once such a base is established, you will not want to take chances or make too many changes.  You like to stick to what you know; what has always worked well for you, what is tried, true, and tested.  But how cleverly you disguise your traditional approach by adding unique personal touches which add just enough pizzazz to keep everything looking fresh and original.  This is part of your “magic”.   Your dignified and attentive personality creates the magnetism which keeps others enthusiastically coming back to something which, for you, has become routine.  Your own particular “Midas” touch is derived from your being able to take the ordinary and develop it into the extraordinary; to take what you already have and build upon it.

There is nothing ordinary about the 8 ego, however.  It pendulates from one extreme to the other; from massive over-inflation to the depths of self-sabotage.  Either way, these extremes occur when you forget that you are walking a path on which that thing called guilt frequently jumps out and attacks you.  But, because guilt disguises itself in so many different forms, it can catch you off-guard and leave you either insecure and overly humble, or insecure and overly arrogant.  These feelings pass relatively quickly because your sense of dignity eventually provides the balance your ego needs.

Your sense of dignity is likely to get you out of many a dire strait in this life time.  But it also has its negative side which produces feelings of superiority, a loathing for the ordinary, a disgust for what you consider to be “bad taste”, a fear of scandal or exposure, and a terror of displaying emotional “weakness”.  When 8s finally admit to these fears and realize that their expectations for themselves are often too high for any human being to achieve, a certain calmness takes over as they discover their true strength – the power – to feel.   Whenever you express the emotions which have built up inside you, a deep feeling of self-satisfaction is experienced, followed by new and higher goals.

You do not want to be told what to do.  You admit to your mistakes readily provided it is you who discovered the mistake.  Others can become irritated when you ignore their well-intended advice only to, somehow, figure out the very same advice all by yourself at a later time.  Sometimes you can ignore other people’s ideas too, only to “incorporate” them into something for which you are given the credit.  I am not suggesting that you deliberately steal other people’s ideas.  But you do hate to see a good idea go to waste.  And besides, you are probably paying these people to come up with ideas in the first place.  You simply do what 8s do.  You incorporate.  But it is when you incorporate love into your magic melting pot that you are able to manifest something which, in turn, is loved by others.  This is 8s key to success. Giving people what they love.

Love itself is often a difficult issue for you to deal with, however. You may believe you are the most sweet and loving person in the world, but not everyone can relate to your businesslike manner.  You want the best of everything, including intimate relationships.  But your dissatisfactions here can prove painful for you, and for those who cannot meet your high expectations of what the perfect relationship should be.  Others can feel hurt when business, image, reputation, or money come between you.  Your dignity can be severely damaged if a friend or family member oversteps your clearly defined social “mark” and does something to embarrass you.  You may have already distanced yourself from those family and friends who do not fit in with your image.  This is normal 8 behavior, until such a high level of self-confidence is reached that you are able to accept the reality of your background without the fear that you will be judged for it.

Love is so important to you.  And so is your reputation.  Any form of rejection can leave you devastated.  If you feel slighted or shunned, you can go to extraordinary lengths to prove just how lovable and desirable you are. This behavior, too, is very normal for an 8.  It is an indication that you are uncertain of your higher purpose in life.  Only you can determine what your higher purpose is through the way you feel.  And it is only on the 8 path of manifestation, money, power, status, materiality, and self-satisfaction that you will ever discover what it is.  It is only on the 8 path that you will feel what needs to be felt in order to know just how much you have to offer the world.  You will know when you are doing what your Will is driving you to do when your activities create passion, love, and enthusiasm in you.  And, still, the only way you will be able to fulfill your higher purpose is from a position of POWER.

Elizabeth Taylor’s destiny number is 8.   In a 1996 interview with CNN’s Larry King, she talked about her passionate efforts  for AIDS research.  She said: “What good is all this fame and power if I cannot use it to help other people?”  Perhaps she found her higher purpose in her powerful lifetime. Yours is entirely your own business – your own passion – your own calling. One thing is certain though:  You have the power.

Tarot Card Reading //

18 Jun

I went to a tipi in Laurel Canyon and spent an hour with Angie, a somewhat new, but very gifted Tarot card reader.

Much of what was said, I had an intuition for, except for the traveling part, especially with my husband.  It was a great experience, but from past experiences, I know that the value of the experience varies greatly depending upon the reader.

An interested note about Angie, is that the Tarot cards found her at age 33 (Is it me, or are people getting transformed in their early 30’s?).  She started toying with them for fun and her gift was undeniable. She now has people showing up for readings.

I did not have detailed questions for the cards, so we drew some general ones.  Out of the gates, one flew out that was about “going back to school” – The Eight of Earth pictured below.  Considering my 30ish day research, I think this card was very encouraging.  The themes that followed were: be patient, have fun, travel and a child is on the way.


0) The first card flew out of the deck.  It was the Eight of Earth (above) which plays perfectly into my “existential research.”

1) I need to be patient and my next career move will come on its own.  Financially things will be clear in time, but I need to be patient, have fun, and travel.  Also, that I am still healing from my past career, I was really good at it, but I have not let it go and I am not ready for what is next yet.  When I am ready, I need to still be patient and not go forward too fast.

2)  The cards specifically said I should travel…travel with my husband…over water and that, it will be after this time of travel that things in my career will become clearer.

3) The cards had a lot of number threes which mean a child is on the way.  One card specifically was about celebrating an upcoming event (like a pregnancy).

4) When we asked about “when” things will be different financially, I guessed that the cards would not show me, and I was right. The cards showed that I just need to be patient.

5) With money, the cards showed the “fool”, essentially saying I should be more carefree in my spending, within my limits was another card that came up.


6) The cards also showed “Darkest Self”, which I attributed to some of my Vipassana experience and my recent interest in exploring my shadows.

The goddess card was

cordelia goddess cards

Angie just reminded me that there were a lot of “4 of Cups” drawn.  This means:


Four of Cups Tarot Card Meanings tarot card meaning

The Four of Cups depicts a young man sitting under a tree far away from others in what looks like deep contemplation and meditation. In fact, he is so engrossed in deep contemplation that he does not appear to notice the cup being presented to him by an outstretched arm. A further three cups stand at his feet, symbolizing the world and its attractions but again, he pays little attention to these. In this sense, he indicates the need to look deep into our Self to discover the answers we seek. External influences can be distracting and may not lead us to the goal we seek even if those influences purport to be of a spiritual nature.

This young man and his predicament suggest the story of the Buddha under the Bodhi Tree, contemplating the state of the Universe and unwilling to rise until he has reached the Truth. He is not taking the cup and indeed appears to be paying no attention to it whatsoever. He misses this gift of love and opportunity because he’s completely tuned within.


The Four of Cups often appears when you are bored or dissatisfied with the status quo. You may be feeling disengaged, apathetic, or unmotivated. Life has become stale or ‘flat’ and there is little that excites you anymore. To overcome this, the Four of Cups suggests a need to re-evaluate your situation and to look deep within your own psyche to find understanding and meaning. Turn your attention inward to find the Truth for which you are searching. Avoid distractions and examine your heart and mind to gain clarity.

Similarly, the Four of Cups signifies disappointment in someone or in a situation. You may be growing tired of the same old struggle that has been carried on too long in the past. As a result, you have started to withdraw and go within yourself to seek greater peace and tranquillity. If you are becoming particularly ‘pouty’ or sulky about your predicament, the Four of Cups is then a call to action; it is time to wake up, be alert and to be open to new experiences that offer a more positive outcome.

The Four of Cups can sometimes point to defensiveness. This can be noticed in the body language displayed in the crossed arms and legs of the man on the card. He chooses to ignore the possibility of what the cup has to offer. Possibly he has been hurt emotionally before, as this is the Suit of Cups, and he is fearful to expose himself to that again, hence he is closing himself off to this opportunity. Consider what opportunities you are ignoring or declining, and ask yourself whether this is because you truly believe you would not benefit from it, or whether this is because you are fearful of what may follow. Be mindful of any defensiveness in your responses and reactions.

At its worst, the Four of Cups is a stubborn, ungrateful and self-absorbed card. Whether you are off in your own little world, depressed, selfish, afraid to reach out or are nursing wounds from a bad relationship, the isolation in your world is self-imposed. You may be only concerned with your own troubles and problems, neglecting the needs of others. Be mindful that your detachment from being part of the world is becoming an issue. Remember, there is always an opportunity for you to reconnect with the world around you. Look at that cup being offered to you!

Often, the Four of Cups indicates that an offer has been presented to you but you are holding off making any sort of decision or evaluation of that opportunity until you have had more time for reflection and consideration. Notice that while the man in this card has not accepted the offer being presented to him, he has not completely rejected it either. The cup will continue to be there and the decision to accept or reject it can be made at any point. For now, though, it is the time for contemplation, research and meditation. When all of the answers are in, and it feels right emotionally, then you can take action but in the short-term, you do not need to make an immediate choice.

The Four of Cups serves as a reminder not to take life for granted. Numerologically, four signifies that you have created a solid foundation for yourself and a strong sense of stability and security. However, sometimes this can play to your disadvantage, where you feel so content, safe and secure that you begin to take your relationships and other aspects of life for granted. Thus, when the Four of Cups appears it must be taken as a cautionary note. It bears the message that there is a lot of love in your life but it can and will slip away if you do not continue to nurture it and demonstrate your appreciation for everything that you have gained so far. Most of the time, people do not realize the abundance they live in every day. They are too concerned with what they want, and they have no time to look at their lives and see how much they already have. A lot of the disappointment in life comes from people who want more but who already have all that they need. The key to overcoming this disappointment is simply to see all the good that is in your life already, and be thankful for it every day. So open up your eyes and look for yourself.


The Four of Cups reversed suggests that there is a good possibility that an offer will come your way but you must work hard to go out and get it. It is sitting right under your nose, so make sure you snap it up before you miss out! You may also be too focused on your own issues that you completely miss this opportunity or are unaware that it even exists. Keep your eyes and heart open to new possibilities, and release some of the focus on yourself to allow new opportunities to appear.

The Four of Cups reversed also reflects a time when you may be reluctant to open your heart to someone or to express your true feelings, instead withdrawing and isolating yourself from the other person. Be mindful of how this may be impacting those who are close to you and be considerate of their needs as well as your own.

On a more positive note, if you have been going through a period of stagnation, boredom or apathy, you will begin to feel restless with this state of being, and will want to break free from this rut. Put aside any negative thoughts or sulky behaviour. Embrace the opportunities that are already being offered to you. Reconnect with others and let them know how much you appreciate them.

Waking Life // Dream Film

18 Jun

“Dream is destiny”

Waking Life

Today I finished the animated film “Waking Life.”

The film meanders through a variety of lessons and questions that the main character encounters, mostly having to do with the state of reality, state of dreaming and meaning of life and death.

It definitely got me thinking more about dreams, and if I can possibly enter a lucid dreaming state.  There was a lot of philosophical references, including a Kierkegaard quote.

 Quotes I liked:

On Existentialism

“The reason I refuse to take existentialism as just another French fashion or historical curiosity, is that I think it has something very important to offer us for the new century. I’m afraid we are losing the real virtues of living life passionately, a sense of taking responsibility for who you are; the ability to make something of yourself and feeling good about life.  Existentialism is often discussed as if it is a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite. […] one thing that comes out in reading these guys, is not so much an anguish about life, so much as, a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it; it’s like, your life is yours to create. […]When Sartre’ talks about responsibility… it is something very concrete. It’s you and me talking, making decisions, doing things and taking the consequences. […]What you do makes a difference. […].It is always our decision who we are”

On Democracy

“And they haven’t given us any other options, outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting.  You want the puppet on the right, or the puppet on the left?”

On Reincarnation & Collective Memory

“What I am trying to say is that reincarnation is just a poetic expression of what collective memory is. […]It’s like we’re all telepathically sharing our experiences.”

On Liberation

The quest is to be liberated from the negative, which is really our own will to nothingness, and once having said yes to the instant, the affirmation is contagious. […]To say yes to one instant, is to say yes to all of existence.

Emptyness of the Universe

Yes it’s empty with such fullness. The great moment, the great life of the universe is pulsating within it.

On Human Potential and Fear

Actually the gap between, say, Plato or Nietzsche, and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human.  The realm of the real spirit: the true artist, the saint, the philosopher – is rarely achieved. Why so few?  Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, rather this endless and futile addition of zeroes.  …Hell the Greeks, 3,000 years ago, were just as advanced as we are. So what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential?   The answer to that can be found in another question, and that’s this: Which is the most universal characteristic? Fear or laziness?

The Test and Authorship of Life

We are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance, where even our inabilities are having roasts. We are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic dotieski novel starring clowns.  This entire thing we’re involved with called the world, is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life, is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence. The world is an exam to see if we can rise into the direct experiences.  Our eye-site is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity.  Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality.

Paradoxes of Life

An assumption develops that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously… I would say life understood is life lived, but the paradoxes bug me.  And I can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me.  And on really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion.

Self Awareness

And, as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person’s dream, that is self awareness.

Shared story of life

Behind the phenomenal difference, there is but one story, and that story is moving from the No to the Yes.  All of life is like “no thank you, not thank you, no thank you,” and then ultimately it is like “yes, I give in. Yes, I accept. Yes, I embrace.” I mean, that’s the journey.