Tag Archives: My Experience

Week 3 Recap // Guilt, Laziness vs Doing Not-Doing

1 Jul

In general, last week I felt very unproductive, and I felt like I dropped the ball on most of things I wanted to accomplish.  There is a general feeling of laziness, which I keep saying (after reading Tao Te Ching), “I am in the Tao.  I am doing not-doing”.  There are times when that feels really real, and everything happens through me (not forced), but there are other times, where I feel like I am just lazy.  Albeit, I do feel motivated today to pick up where I left off, so that is always a sign that things are happening, and that even phases of laziness change. On the positive side, I am loving my home.  I re-arranged some things and finally feel like we have the furniture set up correct.  It’s been 4mo, and we finally nailed it.

  1. WEEKENDS: Weekends are still difficult for me to gather and input data into My Daily Chart.
  2. SLEEP: I still think I am getting less sleep than I normally would need.  I am taking Melatonin to fall asleep most nights.
  3. SUPPLEMENTS: I slacked a bit this past week, but am hoping to up it this week.
  4. TEMPERATURE:  I lost my thermometer and am kind of okay with that.
  5. HYDRATION: So here is where I am really proud. Because I was having a difficult time keeping track, I started drinking out of my favorite mason jar.  I put a clear piece of tape over the jar and I mark with a permanent marker the amount of times I drink the full glass.  I typically pour 10-12oz. This has worked really well for me.  Also, I am getting in the habit of drinking my 8-12oz right when I wake up, so I feel less inclined to continue to track that.
  6. DREAMING:  I’d still like to start tracking my dreams as well.
  7. SOCIAL: This week I have been feeling less social.  Particularly, I was out of contact with my family and inlaws, when I knew I should have been calling them.  I also slacked on my email.   One thing I did not really realize is that my two best friends are out of town, and my third bestie and neighbor is also out of town.  Socially, my go-to’s are gone, and I have a hard time staying in touch with people when the structure and systems change.
  8. BODY IMAGE: I still feel like my butt is turning into a “mom’s butt”. I am kicking back into gear with butt and ab exercises, and I am going to track that.  I wonder how much I will need to increase my cardio?  I also purchased a gym membership, which I will enact sometime in the next few weeks (but am in no rush).
  9. SKIN: My skin was overall pretty great this week.  I have some shoulder bumps, but not anything noticeable.
  10. HEALTH:  I felt groggy in the mornings, no matter how much sleep I got.  I did Netti Pot this morning and yesterday morning on the tale of a “party weekend”, so I felt really good about doing that. I think it has helped.
  11. DISPOSITION: Adding this category this week.  I would say I felt restless and unmotivated at the same time. There is a general feeling that I am waiting for something to happen, or that I am being lazy.
  12. HOUSE: Last week things started to lose their domestic charm.  This week, I feel great.  I re-arranged the furniture and the place feels like HOME.  I am also going through a desire for minimalism, but we’ll see how that goes. Overall, I am loving my place.  My husband and I also went to Home Depot and picked up some things.  I am in the process of building a modern gazeebo in my back patio.  Really excited about that.
  13. CAR: Like last week, nothing has happened.  Except, I received a parking ticket and now there is a sign on my car that it is the property of LA because I have yet to register it in Cali.  Urgh.
  14. MORE ON THE TAO: I am still toying with “doing not-doing”, but it is challenging.  And I feel hopeful (i.e. I am desiring), that I feel more motivated.
  15. OTHER: Still watching My So Called Life and loving it.  I am out of insecurity and more into a bit of guilt and “hard on myself” tactics.  I am craving isolation.  It is hard to do that in a marriage and when living with someone.  It is so internal.
  16. PERSONAL:  Maybe I will write about people in code, so I can increase the honesty in all of my texts and experiences.
  17. PRODUCTIVITY:  Also adding this category, mainly because it has been central to my experience this past week.  In many ways, I have been highly productive.  I bought URL’s, re-arranged my house, hung shelves, started my gazeebo, built a website, went to the flea market, had quality time with friends, organized a dinner party… but still, because I had this month planned on doing more PhMe research and I set the standard for myself that I am a great friend, I feel guilty that I have not dedicated time to those projects/relationships.  I’d like to reserve my Sundays to call friends and am putting it on my calendar to do so for this coming week.
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A New Approach // Iteration #1

12 Jun

Note to my readers:

Hi,

As I have been conducting this existential research and following my “curriculum”, I have myself not enjoying the work. I’m constantly concerned about the reader (you); I should make my reports accurate and complete on your behalf, I should make the presentation nice, for your ease and understanding.

But, that is not what this was supposed to be about. I didn’t even know I would be blogging (and somehow having people follow my blog). I was getting lost; I found myself taking 3 days to essentially summarize a Wikipedia article on Buddhism – boring and completely unnecessary. Half of the stuff is not really of interest to me (or the only interesting thing is how it relates to my preconceptions or overlaps with other philosophies, etc).

The original intent was to actually understand words, terms, concepts, and beliefs that I casually throw around and excitedly (and often without understanding) associate myself or my experiences with. For example, how can I be an “existential researcher” without understanding what existentialism is and where it comes from? How can I say I resonate with Buddhism, if I don’t really know what it is? And thus my intent was a deeper understanding for myself, but I am getting caught up in the package of the information instead of the nuggets of gold that I hope to take with me for life.

Just a heads up that my future reports will be more inclusive of my reaction to information than copying a bunch of stuff from the internet.

Iteration #1 of many,

~ N