Archive | July, 2014

Week 5 Recap (& week 4)

13 Jul

Wholly shit, last week was intense.  I got technically married on Thursday (we signed the documents on Thursday, but had our big ceremony in February).  I faced a lot of delusion still remaining in myself, and essentially took out a lot of my ish on my husb.  My take-aways were:

  1. I am addicted and crave “magic” and I abhor the ordinary.  Also, that I have defined magic to mean this thing that fits inside the tip of a needle, therefor closing myself to the world of magic around me.
  2. There is a little girl in me who wants a fairy tale that feels robbed of her fairy tale feeling.
  3. I have always used the thought that “I can leave you” as both leverage to get what I want in intimate relationships and to create a safe place for my mind to go.

Most of the last week focuses on remaining in the Tao, constructing and staining my Ashram Gazebo and dreading signing a marriage contract.   Also, as a general shift in “paying attention”, I have been more drawn to the intersubjective than the subjective or objective recently.  I am more interested in what happens between people, than I am so focused on what is going on inside myself.  I sense that general trend.

  1. WEEKENDS: Weekends are still difficult for me to gather and input data into My Daily Chart.
  2. COMPUTER: I am trying to keep a note pad by my bed to record data because there are some days where I just don’t feel like being on my computer.  That slows my tracking and daily data inputs at times.
  3. SLEEP: Sleep has been better.  I have not taken melatonin in a while.
  4. SUPPLEMENTS: I take them sporatically.
  5. HYDRATION: It is becoming such a habit, that I don’t feel the need to keep track any more.  I am really consciously hydrating and tell everyone “I am a hydratarian.”
  6. DREAMING:  I’d still like to start tracking my dreams, still. I am not recalling my dreams most of these days.
  7. SOCIAL: This last week I have been feeling less than-normal-social, but I can feel it changing.  I miss my local friends who are out of town, a lot.
  8. BODY IMAGE: I feel better about my booty.
  9. SKIN: My skin was overall pretty great this week.
  10. HEALTH: Health has felt good.
  11. DISPOSITION: Angsty, scared, playful, sad. In my head.
  12. HOUSE: I hung paintings.  The house is in flow.  Ashram Gazebo will be done by next week.
  13. CAR: Nothing has happened.  Except that it is really having a hard time starting.
  14. MORE ON THE TAO: I am still toying with “doing not-doing”.
  15. OTHER: I am watching the “Cosmos”.  “My So Called Life” was bumming me out.  Listening to a LOT of 90’s alternative music.  Cranberries has been in my head for days.
  16. PERSONAL:  I started writing about people and my experiences using first names in my daily data.
  17. PRODUCTIVITY:  I am thinking a lot about a few projects.  That has been fun.  And I am plugging away on the Ashram Gazebo.

Water, Weight, Meditate // Week 4 Mantra & Focus

1 Jul

So, I’d really like to get in the better habit of meditating.  Not just in the AM, but in the PM as well (which is much more difficult for me).

In the morning, I want to incorporate a mantra of “Water, Weight, Meditate” – reminding me to drink my 8 – 12oz of water [body], take my weight (to continue learning and trigger my daily habit of being “aware”) [mind], and to meditate [spirit].

Water, Weight, Meditate

Meditation, twice a day, is something I’d like to commit to this week. For the afternoons, this means both setting an alarm, and, associating meditation with my afternoon snack (i.e. tieing it into something I already do).

Week 3 Recap // Guilt, Laziness vs Doing Not-Doing

1 Jul

In general, last week I felt very unproductive, and I felt like I dropped the ball on most of things I wanted to accomplish.  There is a general feeling of laziness, which I keep saying (after reading Tao Te Ching), “I am in the Tao.  I am doing not-doing”.  There are times when that feels really real, and everything happens through me (not forced), but there are other times, where I feel like I am just lazy.  Albeit, I do feel motivated today to pick up where I left off, so that is always a sign that things are happening, and that even phases of laziness change. On the positive side, I am loving my home.  I re-arranged some things and finally feel like we have the furniture set up correct.  It’s been 4mo, and we finally nailed it.

  1. WEEKENDS: Weekends are still difficult for me to gather and input data into My Daily Chart.
  2. SLEEP: I still think I am getting less sleep than I normally would need.  I am taking Melatonin to fall asleep most nights.
  3. SUPPLEMENTS: I slacked a bit this past week, but am hoping to up it this week.
  4. TEMPERATURE:  I lost my thermometer and am kind of okay with that.
  5. HYDRATION: So here is where I am really proud. Because I was having a difficult time keeping track, I started drinking out of my favorite mason jar.  I put a clear piece of tape over the jar and I mark with a permanent marker the amount of times I drink the full glass.  I typically pour 10-12oz. This has worked really well for me.  Also, I am getting in the habit of drinking my 8-12oz right when I wake up, so I feel less inclined to continue to track that.
  6. DREAMING:  I’d still like to start tracking my dreams as well.
  7. SOCIAL: This week I have been feeling less social.  Particularly, I was out of contact with my family and inlaws, when I knew I should have been calling them.  I also slacked on my email.   One thing I did not really realize is that my two best friends are out of town, and my third bestie and neighbor is also out of town.  Socially, my go-to’s are gone, and I have a hard time staying in touch with people when the structure and systems change.
  8. BODY IMAGE: I still feel like my butt is turning into a “mom’s butt”. I am kicking back into gear with butt and ab exercises, and I am going to track that.  I wonder how much I will need to increase my cardio?  I also purchased a gym membership, which I will enact sometime in the next few weeks (but am in no rush).
  9. SKIN: My skin was overall pretty great this week.  I have some shoulder bumps, but not anything noticeable.
  10. HEALTH:  I felt groggy in the mornings, no matter how much sleep I got.  I did Netti Pot this morning and yesterday morning on the tale of a “party weekend”, so I felt really good about doing that. I think it has helped.
  11. DISPOSITION: Adding this category this week.  I would say I felt restless and unmotivated at the same time. There is a general feeling that I am waiting for something to happen, or that I am being lazy.
  12. HOUSE: Last week things started to lose their domestic charm.  This week, I feel great.  I re-arranged the furniture and the place feels like HOME.  I am also going through a desire for minimalism, but we’ll see how that goes. Overall, I am loving my place.  My husband and I also went to Home Depot and picked up some things.  I am in the process of building a modern gazeebo in my back patio.  Really excited about that.
  13. CAR: Like last week, nothing has happened.  Except, I received a parking ticket and now there is a sign on my car that it is the property of LA because I have yet to register it in Cali.  Urgh.
  14. MORE ON THE TAO: I am still toying with “doing not-doing”, but it is challenging.  And I feel hopeful (i.e. I am desiring), that I feel more motivated.
  15. OTHER: Still watching My So Called Life and loving it.  I am out of insecurity and more into a bit of guilt and “hard on myself” tactics.  I am craving isolation.  It is hard to do that in a marriage and when living with someone.  It is so internal.
  16. PERSONAL:  Maybe I will write about people in code, so I can increase the honesty in all of my texts and experiences.
  17. PRODUCTIVITY:  Also adding this category, mainly because it has been central to my experience this past week.  In many ways, I have been highly productive.  I bought URL’s, re-arranged my house, hung shelves, started my gazeebo, built a website, went to the flea market, had quality time with friends, organized a dinner party… but still, because I had this month planned on doing more PhMe research and I set the standard for myself that I am a great friend, I feel guilty that I have not dedicated time to those projects/relationships.  I’d like to reserve my Sundays to call friends and am putting it on my calendar to do so for this coming week.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold onto.”

1 Jul

Tao Te Ching on Attachment, Impermanence, Change, Clinging


“There is no greater illusion than fear…whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.

1 Jul

Tao Te Ching on Illusion, Delusion, Fear